What is "Too Much?"

No. He wouldn't stop. He had to get this out even if it meant, embarrassment.
He had become accustomed to tear stained pillows every once in awhile. It was cathartic in a sense. These were the moments of vulnerability he was afraid to express. These were those moments that left him open for attack.
Attacks. Whether real or just percieved,....He was haunted by the truth of his life.
A jumbled mess of emotional rollercoasters that seemed to grab hold and throw him into a pit of despair with each passing day.
What kind of shit is that for a black man? We are resilient. We are independent. We are confident.
The fear of letting go of the baggage was intriguing. Sometimes he felt that holding on to all that is what defined him, what made him him. "Silly," he thought. But an honest observation because, "We must live in the Truth."
Truth. Can be so painful sometimes? But it's supposed to release you, right? Truth, albeit painful, was a step in the right direction. Truth was the mirror he looked into each morning. Sometimes he loved what he saw back and sometimes he despised what he saw....a shell.
Going through the motions of living.
At 45, he thought things should be different.
He knew that happiness was a goal. He knew it was a necessity. But how to go about it was still a complete mystery. He's known people that have cut off every connection they had in their life just to find some small light that will lead to a door, that will reveal a World of promise and opportuniting.
The days of waiting for someone to knock on his door and sweep him away to "la-la land" were gone, or at least, he was working on it.
At 45, he was scared of delving into a work ethic that would keep him active regularly. The only down-side with this proposal was his health.
He could become incredibly fatigued if he pursued the "day to day" hustle necessary to maintain a successful career as an Actor.
By being on "the move" constantly, networking, going to this event or the next, to mingle with people who were in pursuit of the "dream."
He often wondered if people realized what it took exactly to make a career as a "working Actor." The amount of energy and tenacity it took to become a "Star."
He wondered if they knew the difference. Anyone could become an Actor. It wasn't rocket science after all. But to be a "Star," was a whole competely different set of job descriptions.
You have to be self-ish. Utterly and completely narcissistic. "The World revolves around you and you alone." You must become a "commodity," a brand. A marketable product that each and every person in this World would want a piece of,....Women should want you, Men should want to be you. Children should look up to you and you should be able to command an audience in the 6 digits or more category. You should come from humble beginnings, everyone loves a "beat the odds" story of success.
These were the things he knew he could not offer. No matter how angry he could become with another human being, at the end of the day, that person's needs would come first. No matter how "selfish" he tried to be....he would give you the last dime in his pocket, just because, whether you actually needed it or not, He would want you to be secure.
He thought about the early years. When he would sit and watch the "Donny and Marie" show and sing along. He would watch the Carol Burnett show and wish he was having as much fun as Carol and the other actors on the show.
He would watch the "Brady Bunch" and wish he was in a family as loving and caring and loyal as what he saw.....He would then think how shameful it must be to NOT want to be in the family you were born into.....

The Eldest son of a broken family.
The tears have begun again.........Was he manic? Was he a depessive combination of experiences and regrets......the cynic in him answered, "of course. But so we all are.....HUH?
What the fuck does that mean?
......He's head began to ache.